The Importance of Longing in Relationship: Messages from The Little Prince
Robin B. Zeiger, Ph.D.
Even though I was an avid reader as a child, there are some classics I somehow missed. The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery was one of those. If you have not yet read it, I highly recommend the experience. The fox teaches the little prince about the power of longing. And in their dialogue, I hear again and again the echoes of longing in life.
It is only when we dare to hope and long, that we can reach for a future.
The little prince on a voyage far away from his home is alone in the wilderness when he hears the voice of a fox. He is lonely and naïvely begins what I believe is an amazing dialogue:
“Come and play with me,” the little prince posed. “I’m feeling sad.”
“I can’t play with you,” the fox said, “I’m not tamed.”
The naïve prince has no idea what tamed means and engages in further dialogue to learn the meaning of the word.
“It’s something that’s been too often neglected. It means to create ties.”
“To create ties?”
“That’s right”, the fox said.” For me you’re only a little boy just like a thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you have no need of me, either. For you, I’m only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we’ll need each other. You’ll be the only boy in the world for me. I’ll be the only fox in the world for you…”
A bit later, the fox adds:
“But if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I’ll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music.”
The fox finishes his dialogue with
“Please…tame me.”
It is interesting what happens next.
The little prince, like so many of us is too busy.
“I’d like to, the little prince replied, “but I haven’t much time. I have friends to find and so many things to learn.”
The fox challenges him.
“People haven’t time to learn anything. They buy things ready-made in stores. But since there are no stores where you can buy friends, people no longer have friends.”
Whenever I read this short interchange, I am touched beyond words.
Transformation is born of longing. This is the stuff of relationships. This is the stuff of psychotherapy.
Longing bears so many shades and colors. Perhaps it is longing that makes us human.
We can dare to hold onto dreams for a better personal future. I meet refugees who dared to leave their childhood home and reach for a safer and freer existence. Many years ago, I worked with abandoned and neglected children who longed for parents to love them. Just last week, I listened to Amanda Gorman poetic longing for a better world. At this very minute, so many of us are longing for the return to a pre-COVID existence without masks and lockdowns. Some of us even dare to long for a vacation overseas.
There is yet another important lesson the fox teaches. Building relationship is not simple. We must forge trust. The fox explains how it is important for him to be wary of hunters. And perhaps the fox, like so many of us, is traumatized. He cannot, nor should he trust so easily.
The little prince wonders how to tame the fox.
“You have to be patient,” the fox answered. “First you’ll sit down a little ways from me, over there, in the grass. I’ll watch you out of the corner of my eye, and you won’t say anything. Language is the source of misunderstandings. But day by day, you’ll be able to sit a little closer…”
As I read this interchange, I am amazed at the depth of these words. The fox is not just teaching us about life. He gives voice to my image of psychotherapy.
Building deep and intimate relationships involve patience and persistence. It is a long, slow process. We sit and we wait. Gradually we take slow, steady steps toward the other.
In Jungian psychotherapy, we give honor to the sanctity of the temenos or holy space of the therapy hour. Ideally, we meet at least once weekly at a set time and place. Intimate places of all types often become imbued with longing and belonging. We notice a chair that has been moved. We look for a favorite spot or a favorite blanket. We feel a sense of peace and safety when we arrive.
The fox could easily become my advocate. Once again, he gives voice to the depth of the sanctity and predictability. He chides the little prince for returning at a different time the next day.
“It would have been better to return at the same time,” the fox said. “For instance, if you come at four in the afternoon, I’ll begin to be happy by three….But if you come at any old time, I’ll never know when I should prepare my heart….There must be rites.”
What is the most important part of the longing for the other? What happens when we don’t have the other when we need her? What happens when he must finally take leave of us?
The most important piece is the BE-LONGING inside. Human beings are blessed with capacity to take in the beauty of relationships.
We can remember and symbolize. We learn to “hear” the voice of the other and “feel” their hand or their hug when they are absent. Sometimes it is a real or concrete gift they have given us. I remember with such clarity the power of a split heart that my late mother-in-law shared with her identical twin sister. She moved across the ocean, yet the two each had the same gold necklace with half of a heart that made a whole.
Human beings are blessed with the capacity for the internal “gift.” As a psychotherapist, I am secretly pleased when my patient begins to mention how they “hear my voice” of support when I we are not together. Then I know the work is really happening. And more than that, I know this inner voice is not “me”, rather it is the “me” they need to create inside of self.
When the little prince must finally go, the fox says he will weep. Then the little prince fears he has done damage to his friend. Yet, the fox reassures the prince.
He will look at the wheat fields and remember the little prince because his hair is the golden color of the wheat.
The fox imparts one final lesson.
“Here is my secret. It’s quite simple. One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”
The longing allows us to BE-LONG. We must not take our relationships for granted. Human beings need each other to flourish and grow. We need each other to long. We also must remember to reach out to the Other, who may be lonely or alone or suffering. This is especially important in times of COVID-19, where people become isolated.
We also learn to meet our deeper self in relationship. This essence cannot be bought or learned with our head. It must be felt with our heart.
We need the fox. We need the little prince. We must nurture a world of longing and belief in a new and better future.
Read my recent reflections on the hope of a wonderful woman, My Nocturnal Visit with Amanda Gorman.
Robin B. Zeiger is a practicing Jungian psychoanalyst and a free-lance writer.
She is a member of the:
International Association of Analytical Psychology and the Israel Institute of Jungian Psychology. She can be reached at rbzeiger@yahoo.com.
