Time-Out is Not a Punishment: It is an Act of Peace
The year I spent on the psychotic adolescent unit at Camarillo State Hospital was one of the most formative years of my life.
No, I was not a patient. Rather, I completed an internship as my last formal clinical training before I became a “grown-up” psychologist.
I will never forget Henry “Hank” Marshall, the chief psychologist and unit head. I was in my 20’s and “wet behind the ears.” He was truly a Wise Old Man as a compassionate psychologist and beloved clinical supervisor. I will never forget what he taught me about time-outs.
The psychotic teens were haunted by their own ghosts, which made them provocative and sometimes impulsive. Sometimes, the behavior could become dangerous and out of control. The work was as difficult, as it was deeply rewarding. I am deeply grateful to the lessons I learned in that one year.
Hank had a way with the teens. When one of them annoyed or provoked him, he would say,
“Leave me alone for five minutes. I am too upset. I need a time-out.”
He was often sitting on a simple chair on the psychiatric unit. The teen would often get up and walk away. Surprisingly they would then come back five minutes later. There might then be a conversation about the incident. Many times, Hank exchanged one of his wonderful hugs with the patient.
Hank is the first adult I ever heard asserting he needed a time-out. I was not married yet. I did not have any children. In those moments, Hank taught me worlds about anger, compassion, control, and “parenting.”
Ever since I was very little, I was appalled by adults who shamed and hit children. I do not believe in either as a way of educating or disciplining children.
I lived in a world surrounded by it and often felt like the crazy one. In partnership with my soulmate husband, I found other much more positive ways to raise our four children to become ethical and caring adults.
There is something much deeper about Hank’s lesson. Everyone is human; adults and psychologists included. We all struggle with anger. Speaking out in anger without calming down is usually never good. As adults, we bear the potential as important role models to children and to other adults.
Thus, our healthy use of time-outs is huge.
How many times could we then stop ourselves from hurting others with our words or our fists? How many times could we teach each other respect? Perhaps most of all, those moments of calm could help us rediscover our own moral compass.
I will always remember Hank. Time-out and time-alone is a wonderful gift. For a slightly different perspective on quiet time. I encourage you to read my article on Thich Nhat Hahn and his “breathing room.”
Please follow me and discover articles on mindfulness, finding peace in difficult times, Jung, longing and the Little Prince, Black Lives Matter, Amanda Gorman’s poetry and grand-mothering. For more on childhood nostalgia of lighthousesand ice-cream trucks.
Robin B. Zeiger is a practicing Jungian psychoanalyst, a certified sandplay therapist, and a free-lance writer.
She is a member of the:
International Association of Analytical Psychology and the Israel Institute of Jungian Psychology. She can be reached at rbzeiger@yahoo.com.
